Dear Mum and Dad,
You have given me so much support over the past few years. This degree has really challenged me and pushed me outside of my comfort zone. I have learned so much, and am a better person for it. That said, I think I’ve been continuing for a lot of the wrong reasons. I’ve kept going because I’m scared to say that I made the wrong decision, and I am scared to disappoint you. I know that you only want the best for me and that you worry that I’ll make the same mistakes that you did, but I’m not you. I may have elements of both of you imbedded in me, but I am still my own person. As my own person, I can honestly say that I won’t regret making this decision. I know I’ve done so much work for it, but it hasn’t gone to waste. This degree won’t be a waste. I will find something that I love to do, and when that happens I’ll want to push through barriers. Right now, I’ve reached a barrier that I don’t want to push through, and I’m happy to turn around. I am scared that I don’t have a plan, and I know you’ll be disappointed no matter what you say. I just hope that you’ll stay there to support me, because I’m going to need you. It’s okay to let me make mistakes. You may regret the mistakes that you’ve made, but if you hadn’t made them you wouldn’t be the brilliant people and parents that you are today. Let me make mistakes to learn from.
February is a month full of romance, well for me anyway. Of course, there’s valentines day. The day that is like marmite to many, you either love it or hate it. I’ve had years where I’ve hated it and years where I’ve loved it. I’ve hated it when I’ve felt lonely, but I loved the excitement of valentines day when I’ve had someone special in mind.
This year it was different. This year I was in love. I’ve never been in love before. Knowing that I’m in love now, has allowed me to reflect on past relationships and realize that I definitely wasn’t. So for all you confused people, I’m going to try and help you figure out what love feels like by comparing how I feel now with past relationships.
What I thought was love: Feeling extremely nervous and really worried about how I looked.
What love is: Feeling 100% comfortable around him knowing that he thinks I’m beautiful, and want to look nice for him not to impress him but because you want to.
What I thought was love: Doing things to please the other person.
What love is: Doing special things for him because you want to, not because you’re worried he won’t stick around if you don’t.
What I thought was love: Trying to make connections by pretending you’re interested in the same things.
What love is: Understanding that it doesn’t matter if you don’t love the same things, but appreciating the things that he does love.
What I thought was love: stressing about every thing you do and say.
What love is: Feeling relaxed around him, letting conversation flow.
What I though was love: Letting things go to avoid conflict, because you’re scared they’d leave.
What love is: being honest with him so that you both know where each other stand.
Those are just some of the things I realized I’d gotten wrong in the past. That said, don’t worry too much about love, because you’ll know when it finds you. Any doubts you have you should probably listen to, because they usually turn out to be deal breakers.
I am lucky. If I’d chosen to do something else with my life I would have never had met my boyfriend. That’s not to say that I would have never found love, but I could still be searching for that false image of love. My advice would be not to search for it.
I wasn’t searching, and I ended up finding not only a boyfriend, but a best friend. I don’t know where it’ll take me, because life does get in the way. Love is strong but not strong enough that you don’t have to fight for it. Trust me, life is much stronger and harder, but I know that I have found love because I want to fight for it.
So for all you people out there worrying about finding love, don’t go searching for it. Chances are if you enjoy your life and start living, it will find you.
Don’t worry, this is in no way a homage to the 2002 film (if you can call it that). This is an update on my progress with my Primary Education placement, or should I say rut? In my last post I talked about being placed on a Cause for Concern, the three words all trainee teacher’s dread. Well, I am happy to say that I am no longer on a cause for concern. However, I still find myself at a bit of a crossroads.
I recently made a big decision that teaching is not the career for me. I’m going to finish my degree, because I think teaching could be a good starting point or a good job to fall back on. Don’t get me wrong, I still enjoy teaching. The difference is that my heart isn’t in it anymore. Teaching is the kind of job that needs heart and passion for you to at least survive let alone manage. So, I’m going to another road. I don’t know what that road is yet but I’m going there, and it’s scary. It’s scary because I don’t know where that road leads, but I know it’s the right way to go.
After having an emotional breakdown with my parents on the phone, I was expecting them to tell me to push through. I was actually relieved when they told me that it didn’t matter if I chose to do something else after my degree. I didn’t matter if my best turns out not to be good enough for the University, as long as I do my best. I was worried that I would let them down after all the support they’ve given me throughout my degree, but I think both of my parents know how important it is to love what you do.
At the end of the day, I will have learned so much from training to become a teacher. I will always admire what teachers do. I will always be part teacher, which probably means that I’ll have really well trained children when I reach that point in my life
I need to find something that makes me happy, and makes me want to get up in the morning. I want to tell young people like myself that it is ok to make mistakes and to change your mind. Just make sure that you’re honest with yourself so that you can spend most of your life doing something that you love.
My question to you is… do you do something that makes you want to get up in the morning? If so, how did you know it was the career for you?
Talk to you soon x
Well it’s not only been quite a while since I’ve been on here, but also quite a while since I’ve seen the light of day. That’s right, I’m on teaching practice! The time of year that every student secretly dreads, but 80% of the time turns out to be a really amazing learning experience. One of the downsides just happens to be that I leave the house at 25 to 7 and get home about the same time in the afternoon. It’s not an easy time of the year, but I have to say that time has already flown by! Now, I’m not allowed to reveal any details about where I am placed, and nor would I want to. However, I thought i would share with you my experience as a undergo eight weeks in a touch year one (age 5/6) class.
I’m about to start my third week of teaching (two more weeks until half term). So far, it has been pretty tough. Don’t get me wrong, I’m in an excellent school, but that doesn’t automatically mean that it’s going to be a breeze. My class are a challenge, but that’s something I can deal with. The things that has gotten me about this placement, my final placement, is the amount of pressure placed on us. It’s not just pressure to do well and to help children to progress. It’s pressure to collect information to write an assignment afterwards, and to produce endless piles of paperwork proving your progression. If that weren’t enough, those endless piles of paperwork get scrutinized fortnightly (if you’re lucky).
Don’t get me wrong, I understand the purpose it serves. You can’t let trainee teachers waddle into school and mess around with children’s lives and their education, but it’s my honest opinion bureaucracy in this country often prevents a lot of progress from happening. If I didn’t have the pressure on me to fill out reflection after reflection after evaluation, I honestly would take more risks when teaching and have more fun rather than stick to what is safe and what enabled me to survive placement.
So it’s the start of the third week, and I have a ’cause for concern’, because of my planning. Now part of me understands that it could have been more detailed, but the other part of me feels like shit. The other part of me now feels like I can’t do what I was graded high for doing in the previous year. So is it really worth it to go so hard on trainee teachers?
What do you think?